Let the Games Begin...

Dear Haters,

Even though I was in no way responsible for the opening ceremonies, it grieves me to no end that they weren't absolutely perfect in your eyes.

"The show was confusing at times.  It was very long.  They didn't highlight the two or three things I like most about the millennia of British history.  There were a lot of countries that had to walk through.  It was no Beijing.  Paul McCartney was a lame ending."  That is what you sound like.

Yeah, and you know what?  It was fucking awesome.

I'm really sorry the show was confusing sometimes.  But I guess that's art for you.  Sometimes the joy of art is that you have to think a little bit, experience sensory perception and then go on the journey of trying to figure out what it all means to you.  Oh wait, that's all the time with art.  Like you, I said why is Abe Lincoln visiting the Shire and why are phallic smokestacks springing from the stadium floor like so many raging 19th century British empire-building boners?  But as with many boners, the correct answer was to just sit back and enjoy the experience.

I'm so sorry the show was a few hours long.  A spectacle like this once every four years is clearly asking too much of your schedule.  I just hope it didn't make you too late for your national security briefing, Mr. President.  I don't know how you made it through the whole thing stuck in your living room with a kitchen and bathroom nearby and a DVR to record and pause live TV.  I would think more about your suffering but I just don't want to go to such a dark place.  Forgive me.

They didn't highlight your favorite parts of British history.  How dare they not consult you first?  This was an oversight and Danny Boyle needs to hear about it!  How could they look at their own history through such rose-tinted glasses?  No other country would ever do that, I think we can all agree.  They highlighted the Industrial Revolution, children's literature, and popular music at the expense of King AEthelred the Unready?  Blasphemous mother fuckers!

And then the Parade of Nations - do we really have to sit through all of them?  Hey look, I had my moments of thinking "why don't we combine some of the smaller delegations" just like everyone else.  But honestly did you look at the faces of the athletes as they walked around?  The expressions of joy and excitement and wonder were so much fun to see.  For 3 and 364/365 years of any given 4 year period I'll be right there with you telling the Cook Islands and Mauritius to go fuck themselves.  But I'll give them one lap around the track in the opening ceremonies.

It was no Beijing.  You're right, it's London.  If making fucking obvious moronic statements was an official Olympic sport, you would be the favorite to win the gold.  But it isn't, so it looks like you and I will go yet another four years without a trip to the medal podium.  Maybe in Rio.

Sir Paul was a lame ending?  As lame endings go I think we can do a lot worse than a live sing-along of Hey Jude with Sir Paul McCartney.  Do you think anyone in the stadium said, "We just lit the Olympic torch and now I have to sing with Sir Paul?  This sucks!"  Yeah, me either.  And for anyone out there who wants to rip on Sir Paul in general, I have just one question for you: Did you make Revolver?  WELL DID YOU?

Again, I'm sorry.  I'm sorry Danny Boyle didn't personally show up to each one of your living rooms to jerk you off himself.  But I suspect that even if he had, today all we would be hearing is how he used too much or not enough lube, gripped too tight or not tight enough, stroked too fast or too slow, blah blah fucking blah.  Can you just enjoy a fucking handjob without picking nits or saying nay?

Enjoy the games. :rolleyes:

Sincerely,
Johnny G

Going to the Chapel

Tomorrow this little girl is getting married.

That is not the most recent picture of her, obviously.  My sister is now in her early 30s, and she's always been my older, cooler sibling.  The one you looked up to, wanted to be like, and just generally loved because you were there together growing up and exploring the world.  But as her big day gets closer, my mind keeps wandering back to when we were kids running around in the woods or going to the park or sprawling out on the shag carpeting (good choice, Mom and Dad) in the living room to read books all afternoon.  I suppose it's natural when you hit major life events to pause a moment and think about how you got here.  Most days feel pretty much like their respective yesterdays, but the truth is all those imperceptible changes add up eventually.

Tomorrow this woman is getting married.

Dad passed away a few years ago, so Mom and I will walk her down the aisle.  At the altar I will take her hand and place it in her fiancee's, which is a good reminder that deep down we all remember women are the property of men, and should be transferred as such through symbolic gestures like this one.  I tease.  The fact is her soon-to-be husband seems to be a very good man and his love will enhance her life's potential rather than limit it.  And now that he's family, if he ever hurts her I will not have any problems going Godfather on his ass.  So everyone wins.  It's apparent whenever you seem them together that this is a pairing that fits.  They smile wider, relax a little more, and look happier when they're in the same room.  If that's not a good sign I don't know what is.

Tomorrow my sister is getting married.

Sorry, just wanted to get one more funny photo in there.  Sis always took Easter very seriously, I guess.  Anyway, tomorrow is going to be a big day.  Wherever you are please raise your glass and wish the newlyweds lots of love, health, and money - and time to enjoy them all!  I love you Sis and new Bro.  Cheers!

And on the 8th Day, Man made Beer... Part III

When we last left our fearless brewers, Gilwapo Brewing's soon-to-be-world-famous Nut Brown Ale was safely tucked away in 45 professionally labeled brown bottles.  Time flies when you're having fun, as they say, and before we knew it the two weeks of in-bottle carbonization had come and gone.  Friday, March 2 - the unveiling.  Would it be a date that lived in infamy?  Would it be our Waterloo?  Would be celebrate like the seventh son of the seventh son?  Or would we merely get kinda drunk on slightly above average home brew?  Maybe I'm just a romantic, but I say why can't it be all those things?  We gathered on that cold Friday night to find out, with nothing but pulled pork and an unquenchable thirst for knowledge.

The moment of Truth.

Steven bravely grabbed the bottle opener and placed it against the bottle cap.  There was no going back now.

Shut it, Rachel.

Rachel was giddy with excitement, but the rest of us had worked too hard and come too far just to throw it all away now by acting silly.  We had a job to do, and God willing we were going to do it the best we could.

The perfect pour.

Carefully, oh so very carefully, Steven poured the first glass of beer.  Gods be praised, what a beautiful sight!  The anticipation was palpable.

The first sip.

After taking a second to admire the full glass of Nut Brown Ale, Steven raised the glass, said a prayer to world peace, and took the first sip.  He did not grimace in pain.  Matt and I agreed this was a good sign.

Don't ask, just drink.

Still alive, Steven took a bigger drink.  This was a REALLY good sign.  Could it be our first attempt was more than just drinkable?  Might it actually be good?  Only one way to find out...

Bust that shit open, dude!

Now that we had determined our beer wasn't immediately fatal, Matt and I couldn't wait to try it ourselves.

Rachel remains unconvinced.

Matt quickly poured a round for me and one for himself.  Despite watching Steven enjoy his tasty brew mere seconds before, Rachel remained skeptical.  Oh ye of little faith!

Look at that creamy head.

You can see in the background of this picture that even little three year old Carson understood the significance of this event.  It's not every day a little boy gets to witness his father's finest creation brought into existence.

If loving this is wrong, then I ain't been right since the day we started.

It was like Christmas, but for BEER!  What did you get in your stocking? Beer!  What did Santa bring you?  Beer!  You can keep your gold, frankincense, and myrrh - I'll take beer, beer, and BEER!

The Founders.

I don't know how anyone can look at that picture and not want to start their own brewing company.  

From left to right: good, better, greaterest!

We also sampled a couple other nut brown ales to see how we stacked up, and I'm pleased to say that our completely objective Gilwapo Brewing panel of judges determined that the Gilwapo Brewing Nut Brown Ale was the best of the bunch!  I mean what were the chances!

Carnage.

We didn't drink all 45 bottles that night, but we sure made a good start.  The result was carnage.  Pure, unadulterated, blissful carnage.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of how three men joined together and overcame the odds to brew some of the world's best beer.  Can't wait to start beer number two!  

And on the 8th Day, Man made Beer... Part II

And lo, after two weeks had passed they did gather once more, for the Beer was ready to be bottled.  And they did take yon carboy full of Baby Beer, and transferred it thusly into individual bottles that they may drink of it two weeks hence.  And the Men were happy and there was much rejoicing, for the Men saw that it was good.  And those labels were a pretty sweet touch, too.

This is what a couple weeks of yeast can do for you.

We brought the carboy up from the basement and gathered all the equipment.  Bottling Day was upon us!

The siphoning has begun!

You can see all the residue on the sides of the carboy.  That is a normal part of the brewing process, it shows that the yeast has done what it was meant to do.  But you also don't want that sludge in your final product, so you have to siphon out the good stuff and leave the rest behind.

Yes, we used a child's book to tilt the carboy.

Tilt the carboy so you can get all of the good stuff and none of the... not so good stuff.  The trick here is definitely to get as much of the beer as possible without any of the sludge.  After transferring the beer into the bucket we stirred in a small amount of a sugar/water mixture.  Over the next two weeks in the sealed bottle this will add the carbonation to our beer.

And we are bottling!

Next up we attached the bottling spigot to the siphon tube and Matt started filling the bottles.  The instructions said to leave about an inch of space at the top of the bottle.

Matt was a little too good at filling the bottles to the same height.

Above you can see all the bottles we were able to fill.  Not too shabby, really. Almost four dozen bottles of nut brown ale!

Sanitize your bottle caps, you heathens!

We cleaned the bottle caps and we were ready to cap the beer.  We're so close it's amazing!  And then Matt and Rachel had a surprise for us...

 

Don't ask, just drink.

They got labels made for the bottles!  These things look almost professional.  Notice the use of multiple colors and a name for our brewing company.  So you know it's good.

Neck labels, people!  Neck labels!

That's right, neck labels.  This beer couldn't get any more professional at this point.

Sealing in the goodness.

The last thing to do was put on the caps, stick on the labels, and box the bottles.  Here's the final look:

Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

We took the boxes of freshly bottled brew down to the basement to sit for two more weeks.  The beer will carbonate (carbonize?) and we'll do our first sampling in early March.  It will be just like Beer Christmas!

The Alpha.

Above is the very first completed bottle of Gilwapo Brewing's inaugural brew.  We call this bottle simply: The Alpha.

Results will be published soon!

And on the 8th Day, Man made Beer... Part I

The place: Wauwatosa.  The day: February 4, 2012.  They came from as far away as Pewaukee and... other parts of Wauwatosa.  They came with one mission: to make Beer.  Oh, and eat chili for dinner.  Two missions.  They came to make Beer and eat chili, but really mostly to make Beer.  And have fun, but that kind of goes without saying.  So technically three missions, but really two missions, and let's be honest just one truly important mission: to make Beer.  This is their story...

Matt shows off the bucket, which sports a sideways spigot.  Can you say first time brewers?

Pay no attention the sideways spigot - we may have had a beer or two before we started.  Beside the bucket you can see the carboy with the Fermometer affixed to the side.  Yay beer puns!

Everything you need to make beer, or start the Spanish Inquisition.

To make quality beer one needs quality equipment.  Barring that, try using the paraphernalia you see in the photo above.  Don't act like you haven't used all of those things on the occasional Saturday night...

Steep the grains!

First thing to do is steep the grains.  Our inaugural brew is a nut brown ale.  Doesn't that look great?

"Give us beer!"

The natives started getting very restless.  Their demand was simple, yet passionate: Give us Beer!

Phase II: Warm Liquid Goo Phase

After the grains steeped for a while, we removed the sack and stirred in the rest of the ingredients.

"Mild, woody, and fruity"

After adding the hops and giving a final stir, it was time for an ice bath.

Chill out, nut brown ale.

So far each step had been relatively simple.  But this is where things started to get a little more complicated.  Bring on the Spanish Inquisition!

Bung, front and center.

As you are making beer, the biggest threat to a successful brew is contamination.  So all the equipment you see above had to be very clean.  Enter the bottle of sanitizer.

Can you really blame her for that glass of wine?

We filled the bucket with water and mixed in some sanitizer, then cleaned all the equipment.  Then we siphoned the cleaning solution down into the carboy to make sure it was completely clean.

Hooray gravity!

With everything squeaky clean we had to get the brew (still chilling in its ice bath) into the carboy.  The funnel was very helpful for this task.

"Steady... steady... I SAID STEADY!"

Our Baby Beer was safely tucked away in the carboy.  Next we added yeast and the night was almost over.

F*cking gorgeous.

After adding the yeast, we sealed off the top to keep outside contaminants from getting in.  The yeast need two weeks to work their magic.

Men at work.

We took the Beer down to the basement because the instructions said to store in a dark, quiet place.  We tucked it away safely in the corner and admired a job well done.

Do your thing, yeast.

The next step will be to bottle the beer, but that will come in Part II.

God bless you, Baby Beer.

To be continued...

Millenium Falcon

This entry is dedicated to a young Jedi knight living near Paris.  May the Force be with you, Emmit...

A long time ago (early February) in a galaxy far, far away (Wisconsin)...

You've never heard of the Millenium Falcon? It's the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs.  So you know it's good.  So good, in fact, that Lego offers a delightful version that you can construct yourself.  Here's what the process looks like.

You read this right, folks.  1,254 pieces.  It also says Ages 9-14, but that's a typo.  I'm pretty sure it was supposed to say 9-30...

Ok so here we have all the contents, including a fully functional hyperdrive.  You gotta have a fully functional hyperdrive or you'll never make the jump into hyperspace.

Above you see the people included in the set.  For those of you unfamiliar with the Star Wars oeuvre, allow me to introduce these characters and give you some quick background info.

The Players (from left to right):

• Luke Skywalker - Let's just say this kid has some Daddy issues and leave it at that.
• Obi-Wan Kenobi - Just the guy you want if you need to go to Mos Eisley.
• Chewbacca - If you think about it, he's naked except for the bandolier.  Probably best not to think about it.
• Han Solo - He's a scoundrel, but he looks a lot like Indiana Jones so the ladies love him.
• Princess Leia - She has so many Daddy issues she kissed her brother.  
• Darth Vader - He doesn't even have a Daddy.  Not enough space here to go into his issues.

That's a quick rundown of that motley crew.  Now let's get to the good part - the Millenium Falcon!  I put in the DVD for Episode IV A New Hope and started building...

The layout is starting to take shape!

She may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts.
 

It's really starting to take shape now.  All we need now are a roof and front pieces.

Won't be long now!

Et voila!

The final piece went into place about 25 minutes into Return of the Jedi.  Pretty nice Sunday afternoon if you ask me.

Check out the control consoles.  It turns out the Millenium Falcon had a QWERTY keyboard.

This set was an absolute blast to put together.  If you are a Star Wars fan and/or a Lego fan, you can't go wrong with this one.  Put the movies on TV and take a trip down memory lane.