Dear Haters,
Even though I was in no way responsible for the opening ceremonies, it grieves me to no end that they weren't absolutely perfect in your eyes.
"The show was confusing at times. It was very long. They didn't highlight the two or three things I like most about the millennia of British history. There were a lot of countries that had to walk through. It was no Beijing. Paul McCartney was a lame ending." That is what you sound like.
Yeah, and you know what? It was fucking awesome.
I'm really sorry the show was confusing sometimes. But I guess that's art for you. Sometimes the joy of art is that you have to think a little bit, experience sensory perception and then go on the journey of trying to figure out what it all means to you. Oh wait, that's all the time with art. Like you, I said why is Abe Lincoln visiting the Shire and why are phallic smokestacks springing from the stadium floor like so many raging 19th century British empire-building boners? But as with many boners, the correct answer was to just sit back and enjoy the experience.
I'm so sorry the show was a few hours long. A spectacle like this once every four years is clearly asking too much of your schedule. I just hope it didn't make you too late for your national security briefing, Mr. President. I don't know how you made it through the whole thing stuck in your living room with a kitchen and bathroom nearby and a DVR to record and pause live TV. I would think more about your suffering but I just don't want to go to such a dark place. Forgive me.
They didn't highlight your favorite parts of British history. How dare they not consult you first? This was an oversight and Danny Boyle needs to hear about it! How could they look at their own history through such rose-tinted glasses? No other country would ever do that, I think we can all agree. They highlighted the Industrial Revolution, children's literature, and popular music at the expense of King AEthelred the Unready? Blasphemous mother fuckers!
And then the Parade of Nations - do we really have to sit through all of them? Hey look, I had my moments of thinking "why don't we combine some of the smaller delegations" just like everyone else. But honestly did you look at the faces of the athletes as they walked around? The expressions of joy and excitement and wonder were so much fun to see. For 3 and 364/365 years of any given 4 year period I'll be right there with you telling the Cook Islands and Mauritius to go fuck themselves. But I'll give them one lap around the track in the opening ceremonies.
It was no Beijing. You're right, it's London. If making fucking obvious moronic statements was an official Olympic sport, you would be the favorite to win the gold. But it isn't, so it looks like you and I will go yet another four years without a trip to the medal podium. Maybe in Rio.
Sir Paul was a lame ending? As lame endings go I think we can do a lot worse than a live sing-along of Hey Jude with Sir Paul McCartney. Do you think anyone in the stadium said, "We just lit the Olympic torch and now I have to sing with Sir Paul? This sucks!" Yeah, me either. And for anyone out there who wants to rip on Sir Paul in general, I have just one question for you: Did you make Revolver? WELL DID YOU?
Again, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Danny Boyle didn't personally show up to each one of your living rooms to jerk you off himself. But I suspect that even if he had, today all we would be hearing is how he used too much or not enough lube, gripped too tight or not tight enough, stroked too fast or too slow, blah blah fucking blah. Can you just enjoy a fucking handjob without picking nits or saying nay?
Enjoy the games. :rolleyes:
Sincerely,
Johnny G
